Silence
by raquelicious
Summary: They never talk about Elle. They think about her sometimes, but they never, ever, talk about Elle. Somewhat dark story, mentions of suicide.


They never talk about Elle. They think about her sometimes, but they never, ever talk about Elle. She was one of the few people that they feel they truly failed. The BAU is a team that doesn't have too many failures, and certainly none with a fallout this catastrophic. So even though Elle sometimes crosses their minds, they never, ever talk about her.

JJ remembers the person who was never quite comfortable anywhere. The one who pulled away from anything more familiar than a handshake, whose smile didn't quite reach her eyes all the time. The one who maybe she didn't reach out to enough, who was perhaps never made to feel welcome in the team. Could she have changed things? Maybe, just maybe, should she have invited her to girls' nights with Penelope more often? Was there something more she could have done to make her feel like she wasn't alone? Could she have reached out and pulled Elle into the family? Could she have made her feel that there was someone she could turn to, even in those last days when the world had been falling apart? When JJ thinks about Elle, she is weighed down with a million questions that can never be answered with anything more than _I should have_.

Reid remembers a warm presence. He remembers her fire, her spark. But that's not all he remembers. He also remembers the pain in her eyes that night, the desperation and loneliness and fear. He remembers sitting with her at that table, and realising for the first time that despite any training, despite intelligence that knew no bounds, despite all the vast knowledge in that head of his, there was nothing he could do to heal a heart that was in need. He remembers feeling powerless, not for the first or last time. He remembers the way his stomach lurched when he heard she was gone. He remembers realising that he would never see her smiling at him from her desk ever again. Reid doesn't like to remember. It hurts too much. But he remembers everything. That is the curse of a mind like his.

All Emily knows is the stories. The flash of admiration in Reid's eyes before he changes the subject, Morgan's uncomfortable cough, JJ's silent misery. Gideon's stony silence, and Hotch quietly trying to dispel rumours of a rogue agent and a revenge kill. From what she gathers, the agent she replaced was a remarkable woman indeed. She wants to know more. Of course she does. But every time she brings it up, she can see the pain it causes her family, and she decides that it's much better not to ask.

Morgan remembers her smile. Elle had a blinding smile when she was ready to use it. She had a playful side, the side that would challenge him to bets and competitions, and sometimes even win. She had a warm side, the side that treated Reid like a baby brother, the side that insisted on being called by her first name. But always there was that distance. The distrust in her eyes. It always made him wonder what had happened to her to take away her trust in good. He remembers missing her smile for months before she left the BAU.

Garcia had always been snippy with Elle. She herself doesn't know why. Perhaps their personalities simply didn't mesh. Perhaps she was a little jealous of how close the new girl was getting to her boys. Whatever the reason, they just never got along. But that didn't mean she hadn't cared. When Elle was hurt, of course she wanted to help. Of course she wanted to give her a big hug and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But she never did. This is one of her biggest regrets.

Hotch remembers the confident young woman who walked into the BAU that first day. She'd had so much potential. She could have done anything, gone anywhere she wanted to. It was amazing how one moment could change everything. How one choice could destroy not only your future, but someone else's. If only he'd been there to make sure she was safe. If only he'd given in to her protests and let her sleep on the office couch. If only he'd overruled Gideon's decision to have a press conference. It was never worth it. If only he'd known earlier. Hotch remembers the tears in her eyes as she walked out of the FBI building that day. He remembers how she tried to smile for him, how she tried to look brave even though she was shattered on the inside. He remembers the young woman who was afraid of her own shadow after just 2 short years in the BAU. The young woman he should have protected.

Nobody likes to talk about their failures. Nobody wants to dredge up painful memories, even if they're intertwined with sweet ones. It's almost an unspoken rule in the BAU. Nobody talks about Elle. Ever.

So it wasn't really any surprise that when Hotch got a call one day, about a woman found dead, having hanged herself in her apartment, that they all drove 2 hours to the funeral, paid their respects to her, and drove the 2 hours home in complete and total silence.


End file.
